Valuable notes from a self-compassion course - Part 2

Early 2021, I followed a course about self-compassion with Émergences. Here are valuable bits of information I summarized from my notes. They do not cover everything we learned or did, but they are the pieces of information that are more valuable to me, written in a concise form. These notes are from the second session. They aren’t organized in any particular order.

• The suffering is equal to the pain multiplied by the resistance.

• Resistance isn’t bad in itself. Resistances sometimes allow us to say no when it is necessary. It protects us from something that’s too hard to welcome at a certain point. And resistance, like everything, changes. Can we welcome it like something trying to protect us?

• May we realize that obstacles and annoyances are just that, but that our relation to the obstacles is important. Pain won’t go away. Let us not add things like stories and beliefs on top of pain.

• When we feel resistance because something in our life isn’t going the way we want, may we see that in some instances, our resistance does nothing for us. It may even have the opposite effect. When we are fixated on the obstacle or the pain, we can’t see the exit doors that exist.

• Self compassion is not about convincing ourselves that everything will be fine. When sh*t happens, it happens. Self compassion is about recognizing where we are and about being in contact with it. It is not hope. It is letting ourselves be touched by the suffering without looking away. It requires courage.

• Compassion is important because there is suffering. Only when we let ourselves be touched by suffering can we invite compassion. One way to do it is to ask ourselves « so what ? ». How does it feel to have lived this situation, and do I have space for that feeling?

• We can analyse things rationally, but the invitation of self compassion is to just be there now, beyond words and concepts. We like to think that once we’ve understood the ins and outs, everything is resolved. But in real life, we still hit walls even when we see them coming, and that’s ok.

• The exercice is not a theoretical one. Understanding the principles, the tips and tricks, the theory, etc. is not enough, we have to experience the resistance in the first person. Compassion is a practice, not a solution.

• What can change, is how we face our problems. Are we going to add suffering to the pain?

• There is nothing to fix in ourselves.

• The enemy of compassion is resignation. Being faced with our own powerlessness is very painful. Self compassion is meeting ourselves right there with the resistance, the powerlessness, the anger. It’s not a matter of telling ourselves that this is just how we are, period. It’s meeting ourselves where we are and giving ourselves kind attention.

• How much do we wish things weren’t hard? When we are overwhelmed by difficult feeling, may we take some time to realize just how many things are going right. We can just look around us and make a mental list of all the things that have had to happen for us to be, for instance using the internet, using a computer, having a roof above our head, being able to breathe, etc.

• The case of the very painful areas: Some areas of our mind are full of resistance. Sometimes so much so and for so long that trying to contact them and to bring them compassion lits a very painful fire. In these moments we may feel a lot of pain. The strength of that pain is equal to the need for tenderness and love in that area. May we gently, very gently, start welcoming that pain. May we take ourselves in our arms like we would with a child. If that is too hard, let us be kind to ourselves and not force our way through. We can just simply start by acknowledging the existence of the pain and just look for the associated sensations in the body. And if that’s also too hard, then we can mindfully choose a distraction. In that case we can relax and realize that the resistance will come up again in our life and that we’ll have other opportunities to work with it. It’s not a matter of breaking down a wall. When it is too hard, the best thing to do is kindly allowing ourselves to face the issue another day. That way, we practice compassion just as much as when we try to welcome the pain.

• Tenderness and compassion can be invited in difficult moments, but they don’t have to be perfect and work like a charm every time. Expecting of ourselves to always react in the appropriate manner to everything is asking too much of ourselves. The idea that we have to overcome the pain is resisting. We tell ourselves that we have to be strong, that we can do it. But we don’t have to. That’s a story that we tell ourselves about our pain.

Valuable notes from a self-compassion course - Part 1

Early 2021, I followed a course about self-compassion with Émergences. Here are valuable bits of information I summarized from my notes. They do not cover everything we learned or did, but they are the pieces of information that are more valuable to me, written in a concise form. These notes are from the first session. They aren’t organized in a particular order.

• Let us welcome ourselves. We don't do that often enough. How does it feel when we welcome ourselves in the morning and thank ourselves for the day's effort in the evening for instance? We welcome other people even if we don't like everything about them, so why don't we extend that attitude towards ourselves?

• Being a friend to ourselves is also allowing ourselves to feel supported by others.

• We already know what self-compassion is, otherwise we wouldn't be looking for it. We've already felt it. We're just trying to reconnect with it. It is already within us.

• In easy and in hard times, may we remember that there's nothing to fix or adjust or improve within us. Self compassion is not a new trait to acquire to become a better person, it is simply building a space in which we can practice acceptance for what's happening without seeing it as something to adjust.

• We may be upset at our mind for being such a burden sometimes, with its parasitic thoughts, limiting beliefs, useless fears, etc. but may we take some time to thank our mind for the wonder that it is and all the good it does for us. It is the most wonderful tool that we have.

• When we practice the self-compassion exercices suggested by the teacher, let us be aware when it is hard, when we close ourselves, when we feel anger, fear, distraction etc. and let us ask ourselves what we need at that time. If what we need is a break, we should take a break. Let us also be aware when we feel curiosity, good energy and motivation and let us cherish that.

• May we realise a few things. First, that everything is constantly moving. Second, may we be discover our limiting beliefs and stories. Third, let us stop trying to get somewhere; there's nowhere to go, we're already there.

• We're not here to do any self-development. That's a particularly challenging thought for me. The teacher says the following to that. When we become old and we loose the ability to run, jump or even walk, are we devolving? Have we stopped trying to improve ourselves because we’re stubborn and close-minded? No, it is just part of our journey. Now, we’re not here to assemble pieces that are supposed to work when they are assembled. Again, there’s nowhere to go, we’re already here. Thinking that becoming a more self-compassionate person is going to make suffering disappear is wrong. We’re not here to fix ourselves, we’re here to accept things more deeply.

• During the exercices, we'll find ourselves in three possible situations whose limits are very personal:

  • the comfort zone. It is incredibly important to feel secure. I often bully myself for not leaving that comfort zone in order to reach something I can't currently reach, but I can take the time to also recognize how important it is to feel secure. The desire and need for growth isn't more noble that the need for security, even if the world around me seems to constantly remind myself that good things only come when I take huge leaps of faith into the unknown.

  • the proximal discomfort zone. This is the zone where I know I will feel challenged, but where I'm confident that I can deal with it. This is the zone where I learn things, where I grow myself and where I grow my comfort zone. (There's actually a video that puts that into practice that was just recently published by the Youtube channel Dirty Biology, in French).

  • the distal discomfort zone. This is a zone where I loose footing. The zone where I can feel overwhelmed, where I can feel anxiety, panic, etc. It can be counterproductive to be in that zone. When I step into it, may I realise it and allow myself to go back to a safe place.

• When we listen to other people, or even to ourselves, may we loose the habit of believing that there's something to understand, uncover, decifer. We can listen without analysing, without even understanding. We're not a psychoanalyst. It is sometimes useful to understand our behavioural patterns, it sometimes brings closure to me because naming something helps me structure my thoughts. But any time we understand something, it's because we build a map of it or it in our mind and any map is automatically not the reality. If this principle is true for ourselves, it is even truer for what's going on in other people's lives. We can't even come close to actually understanding what other people live, but we can certainly be a listening presence for them, without having to understand what they go through. We can certainly try to listen to them without offering advice and trying to fix the situation. May we just listen, without concepts, with a fresh mind, not applying concepts to what we listen to, like a beginner.

• A bit of theory on self-compassion (by Kristin Neft and Christopher Germer). The three components of self-compassion:

  • Kindness to ourselves: treating ourselves like we’d treat a friend. Can we find a way to soothe our suffering to be human. We don’t dismiss our friends when they disappoint us, so let un not dismiss ourselves when we do. Side note: self compassion can be passive or active. It is the difference between showing tenderness, active listening and finding ways to protect ourselves or to motivate ourselves for instance.

  • Shared humanity versus isolation. the shared humanity is seeing that others share our experiences and realizing that, that’s what it feels like to be human. It’s why we feel some closure when we hear someone openly talk about a similar painful experience.

  • Mindfullness. recognizing that suffering is there and inviting ourselves to be ok with the feelings.

• Some exercices:

  • Self-compassionate touch: can we find a spot on our body that we can touch to make use feel self-compassion? Heart, face, shoulder, belly, etc. Can I offer myself some compassion more easily if I touch that area? There’s no pressure to find anything, it’s just a suggestion, like every exercice here.

  • Recognition of pain and suffering. Can we identify suffering when it occurs and realize that that’s what being human feels like, that we’re not alone in this. Can we cultivate and make it a habit of finding that space for ourselves?

  • Writing exercice. Answer the following questions: Why do we not treat ourselves compassionately? Why do we communicate with ourselves so harshly? What are our obstacles we meet when practicing self-compassion? What are we afraid of when we think we can’t talk kindly to ourselves? What do I think is going to happen if I talk to myself nicely? Let’s explore the answers without judgment. As a little bit of help, here are what the answer can be like:

    • I you don’t do yourself violence, you’ll get too comfortable.

    • If I’m too soft with myself, I won’t get anywhere.

    • If I’m too compassionate with others, they’ll take advantage of me.