Early 2021, I followed a course about self-compassion with Émergences. Here are valuable bits of information I summarized from my notes. They do not cover everything we learned or did, but they are the pieces of information that are more valuable to me, written in a concise form. These notes are from the second session. They aren’t organized in any particular order.
The suffering is equal to the pain multiplied by the resistance.
Resistance isn’t bad in itself. Resistances sometimes allow us to say no when it is necessary. It protects us from something that’s too hard to welcome at a certain point. And resistance, like everything, changes. Can we welcome it like something trying to protect us?
May we realize that obstacles and annoyances are just that, but that our relation to the obstacles is important. Pain won’t go away. Let us not add things like stories and beliefs on top of pain.
When we feel resistance because something in our life isn’t going the way we want, may we see that in some instances, our resistance does nothing for us. It may even have the opposite effect. When we are fixated on the obstacle or the pain, we can’t see the exit doors that exist.
Self compassion is not about convincing ourselves that everything will be fine. When sh*t happens, it happens. Self compassion is about recognizing where we are and about being in contact with it. It is not hope. It is letting ourselves be touched by the suffering without looking away. It requires courage.
Compassion is important because there is suffering. Only when we let ourselves be touched by suffering can we invite compassion. One way to do it is to ask ourselves « so what ? ». How does it feel to have lived this situation, and do I have space for that feeling?
We can analyse things rationally, but the invitation of self compassion is to just be there now, beyond words and concepts. We like to think that once we’ve understood the ins and outs, everything is resolved. But in real life, we still hit walls even when we see them coming, and that’s ok.
The exercice is not a theoretical one. Understanding the principles, the tips and tricks, the theory, etc. is not enough, we have to experience the resistance in the first person. Compassion is a practice, not a solution.
What can change, is how we face our problems. Are we going to add suffering to the pain?
There is nothing to fix in ourselves.
The enemy of compassion is resignation. Being faced with our own powerlessness is very painful. Self compassion is meeting ourselves right there with the resistance, the powerlessness, the anger. It’s not a matter of telling ourselves that this is just how we are, period. It’s meeting ourselves where we are and giving ourselves kind attention.
How much do we wish things weren’t hard? When we are overwhelmed by difficult feeling, may we take some time to realize just how many things are going right. We can just look around us and make a mental list of all the things that have had to happen for us to be, for instance using the internet, using a computer, having a roof above our head, being able to breathe, etc.
The case of the very painful areas: Some areas of our mind are full of resistance. Sometimes so much so and for so long that trying to contact them and to bring them compassion lits a very painful fire. In these moments we may feel a lot of pain. The strength of that pain is equal to the need for tenderness and love in that area. May we gently, very gently, start welcoming that pain. May we take ourselves in our arms like we would with a child. If that is too hard, let us be kind to ourselves and not force our way through. We can just simply start by acknowledging the existence of the pain and just look for the associated sensations in the body. And if that’s also too hard, then we can mindfully choose a distraction. In that case we can relax and realize that the resistance will come up again in our life and that we’ll have other opportunities to work with it. It’s not a matter of breaking down a wall. When it is too hard, the best thing to do is kindly allowing ourselves to face the issue another day. That way, we practice compassion just as much as when we try to welcome the pain.
Tenderness and compassion can be invited in difficult moments, but they don’t have to be perfect and work like a charm every time. Expecting of ourselves to always react in the appropriate manner to everything is asking too much of ourselves. The idea that we have to overcome the pain is resisting. We tell ourselves that we have to be strong, that we can do it. But we don’t have to. That’s a story that we tell ourselves about our pain.