Early 2021, I followed a course about self-compassion with Émergences. Here are valuable bits of information I summarized from my notes. They do not cover everything we learned or did, but they are the pieces of information that are more valuable to me, written in a concise form. These notes are from the first session. They aren’t organized in a particular order.
Let us welcome ourselves. We don't do that often enough. How does it feel when we welcome ourselves in the morning and thank ourselves for the day's effort in the evening for instance? We welcome other people even if we don't like everything about them, so why don't we extend that attitude towards ourselves?
Being a friend to ourselves is also allowing ourselves to feel supported by others.
We already know what self-compassion is, otherwise we wouldn't be looking for it. We've already felt it. We're just trying to reconnect with it. It is already within us.
In easy and in hard times, may we remember that there's nothing to fix or adjust or improve within us. Self compassion is not a new trait to acquire to become a better person, it is simply building a space in which we can practice acceptance for what's happening without seeing it as something to adjust.
We may be upset at our mind for being such a burden sometimes, with its parasitic thoughts, limiting beliefs, useless fears, etc. but may we take some time to thank our mind for the wonder that it is and all the good it does for us. It is the most wonderful tool that we have.
When we practice the self-compassion exercices suggested by the teacher, let us be aware when it is hard, when we close ourselves, when we feel anger, fear, distraction etc. and let us ask ourselves what we need at that time. If what we need is a break, we should take a break. Let us also be aware when we feel curiosity, good energy and motivation and let us cherish that.
May we realise a few things. First, that everything is constantly moving. Second, may we be discover our limiting beliefs and stories. Third, let us stop trying to get somewhere; there's nowhere to go, we're already there.
We're not here to do any self-development. That's a particularly challenging thought for me. The teacher says the following to that. When we become old and we loose the ability to run, jump or even walk, are we devolving? Have we stopped trying to improve ourselves because we’re stubborn and close-minded? No, it is just part of our journey. Now, we’re not here to assemble pieces that are supposed to work when they are assembled. Again, there’s nowhere to go, we’re already here. Thinking that becoming a more self-compassionate person is going to make suffering disappear is wrong. We’re not here to fix ourselves, we’re here to accept things more deeply.
During the exercices, we'll find ourselves in three possible situations whose limits are very personal:
the comfort zone. It is incredibly important to feel secure. I often bully myself for not leaving that comfort zone in order to reach something I can't currently reach, but I can take the time to also recognize how important it is to feel secure. The desire and need for growth isn't more noble that the need for security, even if the world around me seems to constantly remind myself that good things only come when I take huge leaps of faith into the unknown.
the proximal discomfort zone. This is the zone where I know I will feel challenged, but where I'm confident that I can deal with it. This is the zone where I learn things, where I grow myself and where I grow my comfort zone. (There's actually a video that puts that into practice that was just recently published by the Youtube channel Dirty Biology, in French).
the distal discomfort zone. This is a zone where I loose footing. The zone where I can feel overwhelmed, where I can feel anxiety, panic, etc. It can be counterproductive to be in that zone. When I step into it, may I realise it and allow myself to go back to a safe place.
When we listen to other people, or even to ourselves, may we loose the habit of believing that there's something to understand, uncover, decifer. We can listen without analysing, without even understanding. We're not a psychoanalyst. It is sometimes useful to understand our behavioural patterns, it sometimes brings closure to me because naming something helps me structure my thoughts. But any time we understand something, it's because we build a map of it or it in our mind and any map is automatically not the reality. If this principle is true for ourselves, it is even truer for what's going on in other people's lives. We can't even come close to actually understanding what other people live, but we can certainly be a listening presence for them, without having to understand what they go through. We can certainly try to listen to them without offering advice and trying to fix the situation. May we just listen, without concepts, with a fresh mind, not applying concepts to what we listen to, like a beginner.
A bit of theory on self-compassion (by Kristin Neft and Christopher Germer). The three components of self-compassion:
Kindness to ourselves: treating ourselves like we’d treat a friend. Can we find a way to soothe our suffering to be human. We don’t dismiss our friends when they disappoint us, so let un not dismiss ourselves when we do. Side note: self compassion can be passive or active. It is the difference between showing tenderness, active listening and finding ways to protect ourselves or to motivate ourselves for instance.
Shared humanity versus isolation. the shared humanity is seeing that others share our experiences and realizing that, that’s what it feels like to be human. It’s why we feel some closure when we hear someone openly talk about a similar painful experience.
Mindfullness. recognizing that suffering is there and inviting ourselves to be ok with the feelings.
Some exercices:
Self-compassionate touch: can we find a spot on our body that we can touch to make use feel self-compassion? Heart, face, shoulder, belly, etc. Can I offer myself some compassion more easily if I touch that area? There’s no pressure to find anything, it’s just a suggestion, like every exercice here.
Recognition of pain and suffering. Can we identify suffering when it occurs and realize that that’s what being human feels like, that we’re not alone in this. Can we cultivate and make it a habit of finding that space for ourselves?
Writing exercice. Answer the following questions: Why do we not treat ourselves compassionately? Why do we communicate with ourselves so harshly? What are our obstacles we meet when practicing self-compassion? What are we afraid of when we think we can’t talk kindly to ourselves? What do I think is going to happen if I talk to myself nicely? Let’s explore the answers without judgment. As a little bit of help, here are what the answer can be like:
I you don’t do yourself violence, you’ll get too comfortable.
If I’m too soft with myself, I won’t get anywhere.
If I’m too compassionate with others, they’ll take advantage of me.